Dying For a Change
by Payton.Pride
Summary: A series of RoyEd oneshots. Abuse!Ed, SelfHarm!Ed, The blonde boy pulled his knees to his chest and sighed. He couldn't stop his tears as they ran down his face, his misery building with each heaved sob he took. Edward Elric felt his heart rip to shreds over and over, every time that bastard would hit him or use him, another part of his body felt dirty and tarnished. Rated M. AU


**Okay, so it seems like I can't write ANY positive type of story at the moment, so I decided to bundle up all of my RoyEd feelings and angst into one super depressing fic. I'll try to make them long enough, but each story will be a different type of AU setting, so keep that in mind. But they will be depressing.**

**Warnings for the chapter: Self mutilation/self harm, child abuse, yaoi (boy on boy slash, no like, no read)**

**Disclaimer: Meh. I don't own.**

**This story will be rated for cursing and general yaoi-nesssss... The whole thing will be RoyEd *u* I'd appreciate reviews~! This isn't beta'd, so yeah... I'm not proud of it, not in the slightest, but no flames, por favor... .-. I'm only a teenager *hides behind wall* I'm not perfecctttt~**

**And I wouldn't really call this OOC, but don't go telling me it is, because depression/child abuse/self harm can change a person, are we agreed?**

**Tears and Razors **

The blonde boy pulled his knees to his chest and sighed. He couldn't stop his tears as they ran down his face, his misery building with each heaved sob he took. Edward Elric felt his heart rip to shreds over and over, every time that bastard would hit him or _use_ him, another part of his body felt dirty and tarnished. He was just a useless soul in worn skin, just like his faceless caretaker would say every morning, every night. His whole life was screwed and messed up beyond repair, like shattered glass. He'd been broken for such a long time, Ed couldn't remember what it was like _to be normal_.

All of his emotions made his stomach coil and he could feel that _need_ arise in him again. The sixteen year old boy wanted to puke, to rid himself of everything inside of him, to _purge_ until he was _clean_ again; but somewhere deep inside he knew he couldn't do that. He still had Roy after all, and he couldn't go and waste the little food that was in his stomach. He needed that energy to go to school, to wake up in the morning.

Standing, Ed made his way to the bathroom almost as if he was in a trance. It was still dark out, and he knew it was no earlier than midnight, but when the _need_ came, he satisfied it. His destination came at the end of the hall, and he flicked on the light and waited for the adjustment he knew came not seconds after it was on. The bathroom was small and littered with old newspapers and beer bottles, but Edward was accustomed to this, so he merely swept the obstacles out of his path as he slunk over to the farthest cabinet by the wood-seated toilet. Opening it, he groped around the darkness before his hand came in contact with a sharp point. With tears still soaking on his face, Ed smirked to himself as he brought out his only _real_ friend, his razor. Guilt washed over him right after. He really did like Roy, but he knew his feelings would never be returned. Because of this, his only companions would ever be his scars and his cuts, lest not forget his sharpest blade.

The razor had been with him on his darkest days, showing him he was still alive, that he still could feel again. Ed's sobs came harder and caught in his throat as he tore his left sleeve up. So many cuts, so many scars. But, they looked so pretty all lined up. Pulling a sad and twisted smile past his crying, he held it up to his skin, and pushed.

**X**

A boy with obsidian black hair nudged his blonde friend in the side. "Edward," he cooed jokingly, "How was your weekend?"

"It was fine, Roy." Ed said quickly, waving his hand in the air to dismiss the topic. He was wearing his infamous red coat - something he was bullied about often, though he didn't give a crap - and his leather pants. Under the fabrics were bandages. So many bandages. His caretaker had given him another beating right before he came to school, smartly avoiding using his 'son's' face, instead, he assaulting the rest of his weak body instead. Edward had to pull himself together, and he left for his high school soon after.

It was often like this, so he didn't give it much thought, but it still didn't mean that Ed liked it. He was ugly. That, he knew. Edward had a hard time grasping the idea of _anyone _liking him. "Oh Edward, Edward," Roy tutted playfully. "You've got women trying to claw you to death at every corner of the school. Not as much as me, but still. "

At Ed's grimace, he continued. "Winry." The blond visibly shuttered. "Rose." He gagged. "Riza."

Ed gasped. "Now that's just bullshit!" At that, Roy chortled, gripping his backpack with one hand and his stomach with the other as he laughed himself silly. Edward rolled his eyes and walked on without his friend. He let his smile drop, which was only a horribly misplaced façade of happiness, and turned to his locker.

He hated these days the most.

These were the hours he had to play 'happy little Edward' in a forsaken, death-trap of a school. Girls were at his beck and call, boys tried beating him to a pulp out of jealousy, and most people wanted to _be _him. After all, he was one of the school's top students. He rolled his eyes and gathered his books, careful not to jostle his arm or his ribs, which groaned painfully when he moved. He was sure they were bruised, and it was possible that one of them was broken, but it wasn't like anyone cared. He was a useless faggot in a sea of judging youths. There were a few students who never _ever_ wanted to be like Edward Elric, and that was because they knew about his brother. Alphonse, the smallest Elric, who had gotten sick a few years back, had died. No teacher nor student alike had ever seen any two siblings closer than the Elrics, and for that, they felt pity for the poor child left alone in their shattered foster family.

Ed turned a corner and bumped into a few chattering girls. "Ohmygosh it's Ed!" A blonde glomped him and he fell down, Winry giggling like the mad prepubescent girl she was while she clung to Edward with her vice, unyielding grip. Another girl tried prying her off, but it was no use. Edward really hated when girls touched him. It reminded him of why he was different, why he was ostracized. He was gay, and girls never seemed to get the message.

"Winry," he sighed. "Please get off of me."

She shook her head against his arm. "But Ed! I love you!"

Finally, A mousy looking girl pulled her up and away from Ed. "Sorry."

"Thanks, Sheska." Ed said earnestly. Winry would have suffocated him, for Pete's sake! The only sane woman in the entire school seemed to be the bespectacled book-worm in front of him. Winry whined and tried escaping her grip.

"It's no problem, Edward. Anytime." Sheska smiled warmly and blushed, not used to praise. "Well, go on, before she escapes and tackles you again!" Ed nodded and waved to her as he began to stride away. His whole body hurt, but no one could know. No one. He'd keep up this horribly set role until he ended his life himself, which would hopefully be soon. Ed let a victorious smile play on his lips for a moment. He'd be free. Free of bullies, free of pain, free of worry.

So why did Roy's face appear to him whenever he thought about ending it? Why did he have to love Mustang as much as he did? Why, why, why, _why_? It wasn't fair! He wanted Roy to be happy, that was for sure, but he didn't want to live anymore. He didn't want to wake up every morning feeling broken and empty, like a big gaping hole had been put in his stomach. He didn't want to see his scars, he didn't want to live! Ed wanted to die! So why wasn't he dead yet? Roy. Roy, Roy, Roy. It was all because of _him_!

Edward felt a mix of anger and sadness boil up within him. Every time he thought of Roy he felt so mad that he was preventing him from dealing the final blow, but so upset he couldn't be with him forever. _I'm just being selfish, _he told himself. _Wanting someone to myself is called being._ His thoughts flashed back to Alphonse, his poor baby brother. Ed needed to cut... The _need_ appeared out of nowhere, a searing sensation tickling his fingers as he craved his razor's sharp point carving in his skin. _I'm pathetic__, _he told himself for the umpteenth time. A bitter frown made its way on to his face as he turned to his classroom. It was just another class. Another dull, boring class. It was another level to his personal hell, and he was plunging right into it.

At least he had Roy with him for the time being.

**X**

Roy Mustang glanced over at his best friend. Edward was chewing the eraser of his pencil absent-mindedly, his math worksheet nearly done while he was only two problems into it. Rolling his eyes, he glanced back at his paper when something Ed was doing caught his eye. Glancing back at him, he noticed how the gold irises of his crush were glinting in the classroom light. He seemed to be gripping his left wrist with something akin to disgust in his eyes. _Is he... holding back tears?_ Frowning, he reached over and tapped his shoulder. "Edward, is everything alright?" He asked, hushed, trying not to be noticed by their teacher, Izumi Curtis, who would chop them in two if she caught the teens talking.

"Hm?" Ed blinked and whirled to face Roy. "Oh... Yeah. Everything's fine." He hated lying. He really did, but he couldn't know. He couldn't. _No one could ever know_.

The bell rang before Roy could reply, and Ed began to shove his books in his bag as fast as humanly possible. The torturous voice in his head was like a mantra; _Everyone's looking at you. They see how ugly you are, they're judging you. Everyone's looking at you. They see how ugly you are, they're judging you._ As if to check if the voice was right, his eyes scanned the crowd around him as everyone began to exit the classroom. No one was looking at him, but he still felt as if they were all boring their beady little eyes at him directly. Sighing, Edward fingered the tie of his braid with a bit of relief.

"Edward, is something _wrong_?" Roy's voice was close on his neck and he had to repress a shiver. _He isn't him he isn't going to hurt you_. Ed was repulsed by his behavior. He was actually thinking about his caretaker and Roy at the same time! They were nothing alike! Roy was kind... _He _would never be.

His eyes flickered to he clock and he realized it was already three. "Oh... We were in sixth period? The end of the day already, huh?"

Roy nodded. "You've spaced out a lot today, has something been eating you?"

"Nah." Ed shook his head. "I've just been tired is all."

Roy watched as his friend gripped his left wrist again, and the grip got tighter as the seconds ticked past. "Something _is_ bothering you, I can see it in your eyes, Fullmetal." The nickname was used jokingly, but Ed still could tell that he wanted a truthful answer from him.

"_Nothing_." Ed wouldn't give in. As far as anyone was concerned, he was perfectly happy. As he would always be until the day he died.

Roy huffed indignantly. "I'm not stupid, Edward." He was firm but soft, testing his boundaries as it seemed everyone had left the class already. He laid a gently hand on his shoulder, but Ed still flinched and jumped about two feet into the air before making a bee-line for the door.

"IgottagoRoyseeyoulater."

Mustang was left alone in the classroom with more questions than he had started with.

He took a deep breath and shook his head. How had he fallen for such a strange kid in the first place?

**X**

"Stop!" Ed cried, his hands going over his face to protect himself. "Please!"

_He_ leaned over his 'son' and pinched his tongue, pulling it sharply. "I'd bite my tongue if I were you, brat. You never know when someone's gonna come along and cut it off." The switchblade in his hand glinted as it moved closer to Ed's mouth, murmuring darkly as he got closer.

"I dare you!" The younger seethed, his English warbled as he spoke past the hand half way into his mouth. "Kill me now! I _dare_ you!" He was angry, he was hurt, he was scared. But most of all, he wanted everything to end. Something burned in the pit of his stomach as he began thinking about Roy, but he couldn't bother himself with that now. If he was going to die, he was going to die. One is all and all is one, if Ed ceased to exist, everyone would move on without him.

He was just _one_ person. People died, and he was no different. Even if he was killed now, it wouldn't make a difference. One day, Edward would die. Life was too long, and there was nothing waiting in his future except for misery. His caretaker grunted and dropped Edward's tongue. He flung the switchblade at the wall and it stuck in, a dull thump the only sound resonating within the small living space on their first floor.

"Make me food and then go up to your room for the night, I don't want to see your hideous face longer than necessary."

Ed's eyes held a glimmer of hate and anguish before he nodded slowly. "Of course." And once he was out of earshot, safe in the kitchen, he added, "I hope you die from food poisoning, you bastard."

If that happened, he would no longer have to take the beatings, he would no longer have big bruises and splitting pain in his lower back after a long night of forced penetration. He winced, heading for the fridge. Inside, there were rows of beer, a few bowls of half-eaten ramen, and something that looked peculiar enough to be rotten fish at the bottom. Ed shook his head and closed the side doors quietly, first dragging out a glass beer bottle. He made his way over to the cabinets and took out a few things to make instant noodles with, boiling water and rushing out to his 'father', he made his way to hand him the beer.

_He_ was reclining on the sofa, laughing at the show that flickered lazily on the old television set. He cursed as the picture fizzed into static, and he used his outstretched leg to bang the device on the top. The popping and crackling of static fuzzed out and the picture came back on.

Ed inched his way closer to the couch uncertainly, holding the beer to his chest as if not to drop it. He did this because his hands were shaking against his will. He was scared. Who wouldn't be? After so many years in his care, he still had to face him, still had to _cook_ for him. Ed didn't trust his hands, for one. He knew if he so much as let them do as they pleased, he'd hit the bastard over his head and get an even bigger beating than he'd ever received before.

The bastard diverted his attention from the screen and grunted, holding his hand out expectantly. "Give it here, boy."

Ed took another step forward and tripped over an old discarded sock. He face-planted the carpet and let out a groan as he got up. His nose felt like it had been snapped in half.

"What was that, faggot?"

Ed rolled his eyes and trying collecting the shattered remains of his leftover pride. "I missed the ground so much that I decided to give it a hello kiss."

"Don't try me, boy. I'll beat your ass into next week. Gimme the beer."

The younger let out a sigh as he handed over the - not shattered - beer bottle. "There."

As he turned to go back into the kitchen, he heard shouting behind him. "And don't forget my ramen, you useless little bastard!"  
Edward hated these kind of days.

Exiting the kitchen, Ed made his way back to the couch with the cooked instant noodle cup. He breathed in, the warm smell of spice entering his nostrils through a thin, wispy cloud of steam. He sighed and shuffled over to _him_ once again. "Here it is," he handed it over.

"Finally." _He_ said with a tinge of disgust, snatching the cup from Edward's hands. "Took you long enough."

After a moment of lingering silence, _He_ snapped. "Go to your room!"  
Ed took this as his moment to retreat. "Of course." He turned quickly and made his way upstairs, taking two steps at a time. The young blond's body hurt. The throbbing bruises and cuts stung, but he couldn't get enough of the pain.

He hated it, but it also showed that he was alive, not just some walking puppet on strings.

All of his life after Al had died consisted of him wondering if every day had been a dream. He wondered if one morning he would wake up, and his little brother would be smiling over him, telling Edward to, 'Get up, brother, we have school today, and we wouldn't want to keep Roy and Maes waiting,' He shook his head. If Al could see him now, he knew he'd be disappointed.

For Ed had truly become a disgusting person in his eyes.

He walked into his room and crawled on to his small, worn, broken bed. Pulling up the thin sheets around him, he let sleep eat up his consciousness. Maybe he wouldn't have to wake up tomorrow. Maybe he could just sleep forever...

And die.

**X**

The following weeks at school brought worry and doubt for Roy. The teenager had begun to feel a bit antsy around Edward; he was really quite attractive when he wasn't yelling and screaming, and he seemed to be upset, though he never would tell anyone why. This growing feeling in his chest made him confused. Sure, he _liked_ Edward, in fact, he had a healthy crush on him. But there was no way it was _love,_ right? That was just too out of character for him!

"Hey shorty." He snickered at the roar of defiance that come from Edward's lips right after.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SHORT, _MUSTANG?_" They received a few ill-mannered looks and some curious glances, but otherwise, Ed's outburst didn't surprise most of the student - and teacher - body. They were used to these raging comments, in fact, people just _loved_ to taunt Ed about his size. "I'M ONLY LIKE, THREE INCHES SHORTER THAN YOU, BASTARD!"

To prove his point, Roy rested his shoulder on top of Ed's head and laughed, but not before picking up on his friend's wince, and on how when he turned away, the smile slipped from his face. He frowned himself, wondering, for the umpteenth time what could be bothering him. "Really, what's bothering you?"

"Nothing Dammit, stop asking." Ed huffed and turned away.

Roy swore that if Edward wouldn't tell him, he'd find out on his own.

* * *

Later that day, the two friends, plus one Maes Hughes and one Riza Hawkeye and Jean Havoc, were walking home together. Jean whispered something into Riza's ear, and got backhanded across the face. Maes was giggling excitedly about his baby sister, who, last week had turned four. "She's so cute~!" He cooed, reaching into his backpack for pictures-

Roy shook his head, "I've already seen 'em, Hughes. I think we all have."

Ed's head bobbed up and down in agreement, as did Riza's and Jean's. "Yeah."

Mustang noticed from the corner of his eye that Ed kept pulling his coat sleeve further down.

No one else noticed.

Riza and Jean, who were neighbors, parted ways from the rest of them at the next street corner. Maes left the next, still gushing over his 'angel of a little sister'. Roy groaned. What a weird guy.

He turned his eyes back to Ed, who shifted from foot to foot before gesturing to his street with a wave of his hand. "I guess I'll be going-"

"Wait."

Ed's head whipped around and he met Roy's determined gaze. "What? Any more _short_ jokes to tell?"

"No, no." Mustang shook his head and groaned. "Do you want to come over to my house for a bit? My parents are out and we could watch a movie...?" He trailed off, looking to see a reaction in Edward. His friend blinked owlishly at him, like he hadn't expected the invitation. He nodded slowly. They were close friends after all, even though they _did_ come across as sworn enemies most of the time. Roy didn't miss the sigh of relief that escaped his lips. _What was wrong with Ed?_

Well, It was his job to find out, wasn't it?

* * *

Roy's home was two stories high; white, simple, and ordinary. Ed had been over once before, but that had been years ago. It had somehow managed to get _neater, _though Ed knew the moment they stepped into Mustang's room, it would be scattered and messy like always.

They walked to the back of the house, to the last room in the hall. Roy opened it and let Ed pass him before training his eyes curiously on his friend's back. He _really_ wanted to know what was wrong.

"Edwa-"

"Roy, you _still_ have those stupid gloves of yours?" The blond picked up two gloves with red stitching on the back, and snickered.

The black haired boy narrowed his eyes. He was trying to change the subject! Before Ed switched what they were talking about again, he nabbed Ed by the shoulders and looked him in the eye.

He smirked when he noticed he had to lean down to reach the same height as the pipsqueak next to him.

Ed tried scooting back to get away, but he could feel himself melting against the touch. Contact scared him, but Roy was a bit different. He'd known him for a long time, and even his bastard of a 'father' couldn't influence his thoughts on Mustang. Still, though, Roy was gripping his shoulders rather tightly, and he began to squirm under his gaze before he decided to meet it head on.

_Dammit, he's taller than me!_

Ed tried getting on his tiptoes, but they ended up headbutting. Roy cursed as he was hit with Ed's rather abrasive forehead, and he let go of the blond, pinching his bleeding nose. "Dammit Edward, what the hell?"

"Ah, ow." Ed hissed. "You have a _sharp_ nose."

"_What_?" Roy sputtered, turned to his friend. Somehow, the boy had managed to change the subject _again_!

"I said you nose-"

"I heard you, I heard you. But _what_ are you doing?"

Ed got up abruptly and flung himself on Roy's bed.

He began to bounce.

"Oh your bed is all springy-"

Roy growled and walked up to Ed, gripping his wrist. "There you go again! Changing the _damn_ subject!" He didn't see Edward flinch, nor did he see him look down at his left wrist pleadingly. All Roy could see was red. He was _past_ livid. Here his friend was, changing subjects and not paying attention to him.

"Roy!" Ed pleaded. "Let go," He bit his lip as tears stung his eyes. "You're hurting me!"

Something in the taller snapped back into place, and he searched Ed's damp eyes before sighing. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I just-" He then caught whiff of a copper-like smell and leaned forward until his throbbing nose was mere centimeters from his friend's wrist. "Ed...?" He got no response so he looked up. Edward was tugging his hand out of Roy's grip. "Are you bleeding?"

"No, of course not, ego-for-brains." Ed hid his hand behind his back and cleared his throat. "I'm hungry."

"Show me your wrist."

"_What_?" Ed scooted back until his back was against the wall. He stared at Roy in horror.

"You heard me, show me your wrist."

He picked up his right one and shoved it in Roy's face. "There you go. See? Now if you'll excuse me-" He tried hopping off the bed, but the pyro pulled him back up.

"The other one," he demanded stonily, his heart beating fast and dully in his chest. If his fears had come true...

When Ed refused to comply, Roy reached and grabbed it himself. Edward turned his head and bit his lip, too afraid to look Roy in the eyes. He was ugly, he was so ugly. And soon, he would come to realize that too. He would hate him, and never talk to him ever again.

There was a dreadful silence that lapsed between the two, and finally, Roy gasped. Ed still didn't turn his head to look at Roy's definite expression of disgust, but trained his eyes on a box of cheerios lying in the corner.

He felt a trill of pleasure go through his arm when Roy started _stroking _his scars instead of doing something like pushing him away. He was brought into strong arms, and for the first time since Alphonse had died, he felt safe.

**X**

Roy felt like he was about to cry. Sobbing in the crook of his neck was his crush, whom had slipped though his fingers time and time again. _How in hell _had he not caught on to his habits before? Ed always wore long sleeves, dammit, how did he _not_ notice? Soon, he found himself crying silently along with Edward, who was scrunching up his shirt with his hands, his nose resting on his shoulder as he cried shamelessly.

The teen brought one hand to Ed's golden head and began to stroke softly. The other rubbed comforting circles into his lower back.

"Why...?" Roy didn't know if he _wanted_ to hear the answer, but a few heart-wrenching sobs after, he confirmed that he wanted to know no matter_ what._

Ed hiccuped and his shoulders hitched. A few sniffles later he pulled away from Roy, tears still streaming down his face. "I'm fine. I can go home now."

"Bullshit. Take off your shirt, Edward."

"W-what? N-no w-way you perv-pervert!"

Roy sighed. "I'm worried about you..."

"No!"

Ed hopped off the bed with difficulty and made a sprint for the door, but someone was pinning him down seconds later. His coat was shrugged off and-

"Who did this to you? I'm going to fucking _burn them alive_!" Roy sounded angry, and Ed shrank back.

His whole back was littered with bruises, his arms both manhandled roughly and his stomach and chest swollen and purple. He wriggled out from under Roy with great difficulty. He almost got to the door, his coat be damned, when he was being held again by the person he secretly cared for.

Nearly completely shirtless, Ed pounded Roy's chest with his fists. His wrist had stopped bleeding, and his crying had resumed. "Lemme go you bastard!"

"Shh..." Roy murmured, sitting on the bed with Edward in his lap. "Tell me everything, alright?"

"H-he hurt me... He hurt me and I-"

Edward began to tell the tale of his life, and in no way was it a pretty one.

**X**

* * *

After _that_ story, Roy Mustang knew he'd never let Ed back in that hellhole of a home. That _bastard_ had taken Ed's innocence and flushed it down the drain!

How, how, _how_ had he not seen this before?

How, after all the days Ed was absent from school during the week did he not notice _why_?

As he began to wake up - the poor kid had cried himself to sleep - he began struggling. "Get off me! Get off me!"  
"It's just me, Edward."

Roy.

He was with Roy.

He was safe.

He held in a sigh of relief when he realized it wasn't _him, _ and began to relax again, feeling the familiar tinge of disgust burn into his mind. _What are you now, a slut? _He was so dirty, and the filth covered his skin like invisible film. How could Roy see past all of it?_  
_

Ed shivered, "Why...?"

"Why what, Edward?"

"Why are you even doing this?"

Roy stilled for a moment, thinking. It was obvious, but would Ed feel the same way? "Well, I care about you Edw-"

"In which way?"

Again, he had to choose whether to back off or face his 'confession' fears. Roy leaned forward and pecked Ed's temple. "Take a guess."

From the corner of his eye, he could see Ed blushing ten shades of red. He grinned, happy he had some effect on him, and waited for the shorter's gaping mouth to form a coherent sentence. "Bastard."

That wasn't what he expected. "What?"

"You sound like some love-sick schoolgirl." Ed groaned, his eyes closing.

Roy had to suppress a chuckle, because he was about to go into more serious matters. "I'm going to get him arrested, you know that, right? I'm not letting you go back there, not ever."

"But your parents-"

"Won't care," Roy finished.

It was going to be a long road to recovery for Edward, and it was going to be tough getting _him _arrested, but they both knew they could do it if they worked together.

"Are you ever going to stop calling me a bastard?" Roy inquired lightly.

"No, because that's what you are, _bastard_."

"Hey, my parents were married when I was born, _pipsqueak."_

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SHORT YOU-"

Suddenly, Roy's mother chirped in from the doorway. "I smell young love in the air!"  
His father came next with a sigh. "We get home to _this_? Roy, couldn't you have closed the door or something, young man?"

Sure, maybe Edward didn't like these types of days too much, but they were ten times better with Roy around.

Maybe things would get better after all.

**I hate how I ended this. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. But review pleaaaseee... I don't know if I should keep writing these one shots or not .-.**


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